NOTE FROM PUBLISHER: I’ve received several requests for a transcript of the commencement speech I delivered to the Reed School of Media on May 10. Apologies for the delay. I didn’t have notes on stage so it took me time to go through. Thank you.

Thank you Dean Reed, members of the Faculty, family and friends, and most importantly, the class of 2019.

It is an amazing honor for me to be here today.

But first, let me address the thoughts I am sure are going through many of your heads right now —

I’m in $80,000 dollars in debt and my school can’t even afford a full grown human to give the commencement speech.

Is this some kind of scam or what!

No, but seriously…

I’d like to begin by repeating a few things I’m sure you’ve already heard…

Your education has been one big, huge, waste of time.